I have just got back from Switzerland. It was immense, thanks for asking – heaven does exist, and it’s right there, in the set of The Sound of Music.
The Europinion Directors will be pleased to know that I wasn’t just hiking up mountains and eating Swiss cheese, however. In fact, I have come away with umpteen valuable lessons for the UK.
You see, everyone says nothing works in the UK anymore. That’s all I hear. But I’d die on several hills to make the point that everything – and I mean everything – works just perfectly in Switzerland.
Public transport is excellent. If your bus or train or even gondola is due to leave at 10:07, it will leave at 10:07 – no ifs and no buts. Don’t forget, the Swiss are the world’s best watchmakers for a reason. And let’s not underestimate just how challenging this is. Switzerland is one of the most mountainous countries in Europe. It’s not like they can just blast along at 100mph to be on time. But they go to great lengths to make it work. Cliff in the way? Build a tunnel. Need to go up a 48% gradient mountain? Build a vertical train, or a cable car.
It’s not just public transport, either. I have not seen a single pothole. And the mobile phone signal is out of this world – quite literally. I had full 5G at the top of a 16,342-foot mountain covered in snow and ice. I can’t even get an ounce of signal in my house 60 miles from London – let alone 5-bloody-G.
You get the sense that, when faced with a problem, the Swiss just know how to solve it every time on instinct. There’s none of these ‘oh, that won’t work because of health and safety’ excuses. The Swiss either correctly assume people are bright enough not to walk off a cliff edge, or draw on their creative toolbox to create a workable system.
It seems then, for the Swiss, there really ain’t no mountain high enough. Meanwhile, in the UK, a small anthill is enough to grind the country to a halt until next year.
We expect our trains to be at least 10 minutes delayed – and are pleasantly surprised when that’s all. We know that if a leaf flutters onto the line, the train must stop. And we know that the price of all this is enough to warrant selling your organs to medical science. It’s a far fetch from supposedly ‘expensive’ Switzerland, where unlimited nationwide travel on trains, buses, boats, and some cable cars for 8 days cost me the same as one and a half Edinburgh to London return train trips.
There’s more. Swiss food is sublime. Yes, it’s a bit more expensive, but that’s because it’s actually food – not just a cocktail of chemicals swaddled in plastic. You’ll struggle to find fruit cocooned in wasteful plastic, as it’s loose like a market. And I’ll be damned if you find a loaf of bread with 20-odd ingredients unknown to science, because it’s all freshly baked.
I’m not just reminiscing about food for the sake of it, either. Obesity costs the UK economy approximately £6 billion a year. Perhaps our NHS wouldn’t be collapsing if we stopped gorging on rubbish. On that matter, I only heard one siren in an entire week – a far cry from the UK, where grey skies are constantly illuminated with flashing blue lights.
But do you know what the most surprising thing is? There is no news. No, seriously. I walked at least 15 miles every day for a week and traversed bountiful cities, towns and villages – and saw the square root of zero newspapers. I expected to be bombarded with outrageous headlines every time I walked into a supermarket, but was instead greeted by the pleasant smell of fresh pastries and fruit and a welcoming hello.
It’s amazing how a culture can be a self-destructive prophecy. Because out there, constantly surrounded by nature and heritage even in built-up areas, I felt myself being cleansed of impatience, resentment and anxiety. At least until I opened my phone to see the UK in meltdown over Keir Starmer’s plans to ban smoking in pub gardens, Starmer’s sympathy for a four-day week, and Labour’s admission that taxes will rise – just like I said they would. My heart sank at the thought of leaving behind an untouched paradise for this ludicrous, cut-throat place we call home.
All of this brings me to a startling conclusion. Once and for all, we need to start tackling the root causes of problems in the UK. We can’t just throw money around with no thought and expect change.
Invest in our Victorian railways and roads. Invest in our outdated and inefficient NHS. Invest time and effort into fostering a better culture. Build high-quality affordable homes in the right places, instead of carpet bombing our beautiful green spaces. Back British farming. Stop deploying high-visibility jackets as an excuse to delay important work.
These are just some of the things we need to do to become more Swiss. But instead, we’re waging a war against smokers and taking away vulnerable people’s winter fuel allowances. The persecution rests.
Image: Wikimedia Commons/Mad Geographer
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