With only two months left of 2024, Spotify Wrapped is just around the corner. I wonder what Labour Chancellor Rachel Reeves’ top song will be? ‘Taxman’ by The Beatles seems like a good shout – because it perfectly sums up what you can expect from Labour’s first Budget on 30 October.
So, sit back and relax as I forecast Labour’s Autumn Budget through the lyrics of George Harrison.
If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street
Labour hate cars. It’s beautifully ironic that Tony Blair’s New Labour was all about winning over Mondeo Man – in English, the middle-class hardworking man who’s too vain to use public transport but too poor to afford a Mercedes. But that was 1997. By 2003, Labour Mayor of London Ken Livingstone was taxing Mondeo Man to drive on London’s roads, after introducing the city’s congestion charge. And with Keir Starmer at the wheel, the UK will soon be driven down a dark road of despair and financial hardship.
Speculation is swirling that Labour could reverse the Conservatives’ 5p cut to fuel duty – increasing the tax on drivers for the first time in 14 years. Thanks to Labour, on average you’ll be shelling out an extra £3.30 per tank. That might not sound like much – but for at least 9 million motorists on low incomes, that’s the difference between putting the heating on or suffering this winter. And what if you’re a self-employed builder, transport company, or the Royal Mail – the man in a van? Don’t come crying to me when your plumber’s gone out of business, or it costs £2 to stick the King’s head on your envelope.
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat
Labour’s plan to introduce VAT on private school fees will unseat children halfway through the school year. This begs the question: is Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson the nastiest woman in politics?
Yes, she is. Because imagine if you had to tell your child you can no longer afford their school fees, so you must take them away from all their friends, teachers, and familiar surroundings immediately – and all slap bang in the middle of a school year. The disruption, anxiety, and mental health concerns caused to children will be colossal – and heartbreaking.
Tax experts say it’s unworkable. School leaders say it’s unworkable. And the report outlining Labour’s tax raid on private school parents was written by a Labour minister’s friend. After criticising the Conservatives for supposedly outsourcing Covid-19 contracts to friends – on top of the whole gift saga – the hypocrisy of this government is unfathomable. Contracts for Comrades, is it Keir?
Labour aren’t thinking about the impact this will have on children – or their beloved state schools. 1 in 5 private school students have special educational needs because state schools do not have the resources to support their learning. So what happens when state schools are suddenly drowning in over 80,000 extra pupils by January, many of whom require extra support? I love state schools, because I went to one. And so this is a particularly upsetting abomination by Labour. Champions of the public sector, my backside.
If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat
It’s almost as if The Beatles predicted, almost 60 years earlier, that Keir Starmer would do something so stupid as to pick the pockets of poor pensioners by scrapping Winter Fuel Payments. But I doubt even George Harrison could’ve predicted that Starmer would be so moronic as to make such a controversial decision without even conducting an impact assessment.
According to Age UK, 82% of pensioners dangling on the precipice of poverty will lose the £300 payment for winter fuel. That’s about 2 million people who are, quite literally, being frozen out of their own homes by this nasty new Labour government.
I won’t bore you by repeating the same arguments from my tirade on this issue a few weeks ago. But let me just repeat one thing.
Keir Starmer came into government and, almost immediately, gifted a 22% pay rise to junior doctors worth £9 billion. Immediately afterwards, Starmer magically stumbled across a ‘£22 billion black hole’, which includes that £9 billion caused by Labour’s impulsiveness. Whilst the Winter Fuel Payment cut will only save around £1.4 billion of this, what better way to chip away at Starmer’s self-created debt than to pick the pockets of poor pensioners to stuff the mouths of Labour’s union paymasters?
Keir, you will go down in history as Starmer the Granny Harmer. I hope you’re proud of Labour’s sick daylight robbery of pensioners who have dedicated their lives to the Great British society and economy.
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet
If George Harrison’s last line teed me up for an easy dig at winter fuel cuts, he sure made my life difficult with this one. Out of a forecast £25 BILLION in tax rises for Labour’s first Budget, there is no tax on shoes.
Luckily, there are plenty of other taxes for Rachel Reeves to clumsily increase.
I’m predicting hikes in both capital gains tax and inheritance tax, which would see Labour pinch more profits from investments and erode the value of your sadly-passed loved ones’ homes and assets.
But that’s not all. Keir Starmer has refused to rule out employer National Insurance hikes, once again proving that Labour cannot be trusted with the economy. Businesses – especially smaller startups – have been struggling since Covid. But instead of boosting them up the wealth ladder, Starmer is dragging them under by increasing their tax burden. Couple that with giving workers a legal right to laziness from day one, and we reach a startling conclusion.
Under Labour, the UK is royally doomed.
Taxman!
Yes, Labour will increase taxes. The question has never been if – but how much. With Labour’s first Budget on 30 October, Keir Starmer is certain to turn his Halloween scythe on pensioners first. For them, it’s not a question of trick or treat, but candlewick or heat.
Image: Flickr/Number 10 (Simon Dawson)
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